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~*~Funny Stuff~*~
~*~Bumper Stickers~*~
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
~*~Top 10 Elf Pick Up Lines~*~
1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
~*~Dirty Sex Jokes~*~
*Tricking A Nun*
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
* A Girl's First Time*
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
*A Nun's Regret*
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"
The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."
The bus driver says, "I'm not married"
The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".
Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.
When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."
The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"
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*Condom Slogans*
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
~*~Bar Jokes~*~
*12 Inches Required*
3 men walk into a bar.
After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.
The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.
The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.
Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.
The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".
As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."
*Leaving Work Early*
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
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